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Monthly Archives: July 2014

Was it Rage?

RageThere was a recent post on FFA asking if others may be in danger from whoever perpetrated the crime against Ayla.  There were two comments in particular on that post that caught my attention. 

Lee

July 15, 2014 at 6:26 pm

If Ayla disappeared due to abuse, then there doesn’t seem to be much question that there does exist a high level of potential danger.

For the 59 days that Justin had Ayla, as well as the few times he had her for visits before, Ayla reportedly accumulated what I feel is a disproportionate amount of injuries.

Couple this with CG’s excellent comment on escalating violence: 

CG says:

July 16, 2013 at 10:13 pm

“Lee, that is such a haunting truth and one I think people try to believe won’t happen. If JD did hurt/kill Ayla by lashing out, those around him would want to believe that because he did not intend the consequence, he would never do it again. That is not the way it works, unfortunately. Those who lash out at others when angry need to escalate their behavior to gain satisfaction from it so the risk gets greater over time.”

Top this off with the well know truth that such deviant behavior causes a moral decay and downward spiral of character, and it paints a bleak picture of whoever the perpetrator may be.

Those comments made me take a good look at whether or not I think anyone else may be in danger since whoever did this to Ayla remains at large.  In researching I came across this article… 

Is Rage a Choice? Can we really get out of control?

Published on May 23, 2012 by Andrea Mathews, L.P.C., PhD in Traversing the Inner Terrain

“I’m afraid if I ever let go and just really feel it, I’ll blow up the whole world!” That comment is often made by persons along the way on the journey to wholeness. We fear the enormity of repressed emotions caged up inside of us for what seems like centuries now.  We fear that we could do harm if we were allowed to just let it rip.

In fact, some do. Anger management classes are operating right this moment all over the Western world, classes that teach us how to “walk away,” “count to ten,” and other like techniques meant to keep us from behaving on our rage. But anger, on all of its levels from mild irritation all the way up to rage is more than behavior.  Yet behavior is what we fear. In fact I’ve heard adolescent boys struggling with rage say, “I didn’t get mad—I know because I didn’t throw anything or hit anyone.”  They were totally equating anger only with behavior.

Irritation, frustration, anger, rage: these are all forms of anger. And they are feelings first. But when a person’s rage becomes behavior even before thought has a chance to plug in, it is usually because of one of two reasons:  1) it’s been repressed for a long time, and when someone drops the proverbial straw, it explodes; 2) it works for manipulative purposes.

Either way it has something to do with maturity. I said at the end of the last blog that I’d talk about maturity, and so I am. Maturity is the result of having faced and overcome obstacles by gathering deeper and deeper aspects of self. In other words, when faced with a challenge we don’t repeat a rote behavior, or do what someone else taught us to do, or just do what we’ve always done. Rather, we dig deeper into ourselves to create something original as a solution to the problem or to overcome the obstacle.  In the process we learn something about ourselves and/or about life in general.

What has come to be called “uncontrollable rage” comes about as a result of not having developed maturity.  We can see this clearly in the example of frustration. When some little thing goes wrong, say a key won’t work in a lock, we generally get frustrated. We feel blocked.  What we do at this point is going to make a difference as to whether or not we take a step forward in our psychological growth. Of course, we may have to fail a few times before we can figure out how our frustration can be a catalyst for creativity.  But ultimately if we can learn to feel the frustration, hold the tension between the feeling and the act, and then push on just a little further, we find that we can create a solution or even something wholly new out of that frustrating moment.

When we continuously fail to step forward in this way, we do not grow emotionally, and thus we do not mature. And so it is that some will learn that rage works to manipulate or scare someone else into overcoming the frustration for them.  Or, they learn that unloading their rage just makes them temporarily feel better—in a similar fashion to the way that using substances can make us forget our challenges in a haze of feeling better—so that we no longer feel motivated to solve the problem or become creative in response to a life challenge.

What most people don’t know is that we have a choice. Feeling our feelings and using them for a springboard for creativity is an option that is always available to us, but one which we can decide not to take. And the more frequently we choose to forgo that option, the less likely we are to mature through the process.

This means that the batterer is most likely to be an immature person whose rages are comparable to a toddler or adolescent temper tantrum. And the notion that batterers are just “out of control” is unfounded. The concept of being “out of control” is based in the notion of external locus of control—or the idea that if the external world cannot stop me, then I’m just beyond control. And it belies the fact that we always have a choice. 

In fact, when we talk to people who are willing to really be honest about rage, what we learn is that before they behaved out of it, they were aware of other options for expression besides harming someone or breaking something.

On the other hand, rage as a simple feeling can be quite useful for informing us of where we need to place our boundaries, where someone else stops and we begin and vice versa.  Holding the tension between the rageful feelings, for example about a previous abuse or betrayal, can inform us of how much we actually do care about our own well-being so that we can solidly declare “never again!” And the rage has just the right amount of energy to allow us to keep our promises to ourselves.

Here are my thoughts on what I think happened.  These are my thoughts alone and I am in no way speaking for any other administrator or contributor to this blog.

I have, for some time, believed that Ayla was harmed by Justin. 

I believe Justin loved Ayla. I also believe Justin never intended to hurt Ayla. Justin has also shown himself to be emotionally stunted, immature.  We can see that by his actions and words.

I believe Ayla was the victim of blunt force trauma brought about by uncontrolled rage.  He was an inexperienced parent who became increasingly frustrated and didn’t have the emotional maturity to know how to handle those feelings. I think he was, like the article above states, in the throes of a toddler like temper tantrum and releasing that anger onto Ayla gave him some release. He was most likely immediately sorry for what he did, not that that helps.  I think Justin was scared of what he had done and thought Ayla would be alright after a while and a nap.  But she got worse and he panicked.  I think Justin was probably distraught over what happened at first but I think self preservation took over as the prevailing emotion.  In my opinion it didn’t take long as he had already pulled himself together by the time of the 911 call, which I found to be emotionless and flat.  

It is my opinion that he has not learned anything or matured in any way from the experience.  He has firsthand knowledge of the effects of losing your temper and yet he still pulled over and waited in the car while Lance got out with his mini baseball bat and “took care of” Justin Linnell for dissing his family.  He was content to wait in the car and pretend it never happened.  He didn’t hear or see anything.  No emotional maturity evident there.  If something as traumatic as this has not taught Justin anything or caused any kind of emotional growth or development, then it is my belief that others may very well be in jeopardy.  As the quote says:

Doomed to repeatMaine State Police Tip Line  –   207-624-7076

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Posted by on July 31, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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